Moron’s Guide to being Outside

With springtime comes the migration from the gym, (or the couch) to the outdoors, enjoying walking, biking, running, whatever tickles you.  Much of this activity takes place in public parks, especially in cities however; this information should be equally valid on streets and sidewalks as well.  The following is the Top 10 List of what you would think are “Common Sense” things, but in my experience, the sense is a lot less common than originally hoped for, so here goes, lets make this spring and summer safe and fun for everyone.



  1. If you’re on a path or sidewalk and you must stop, get off to the side and out of the



You might think this one is easy, but so many people see friends, neighbors or relatives and stop to talk, which is fine, just remember, others are continuing to move and you’re screwing up the traffic patterns, so get out of the way and off to the side!



  1. If your Rug Rats don’t know left from right or stop from start, keep them off bike



Again, you might think this is a DUH moment too, but so many young, proud parents are so sure the rest of the world will love their precious crumb crunchers as much as they do, so they allow them to wander all over a bike path, totally screwing up traffic and causing mayhem to those of us actually trying to exercise.  HEY, MOM, DAD, find a nice vacant parking lot and let your kids learn whatever it is you’re trying to teach them someplace SAFE.  As much as I love my own kids, yours, not so much.



  1. If your dog is aggressive, barks incessantly, and is badly behaved, leave him home.


Once again, another “NO- BRAINER” to everyone except the owner of the obnoxious animal who is famous for saying to everyone who is being mauled by the dog, “don’t worry, he’s just playing, he won’t hurt you.”  This said after your shirt is covered in mud your skin is scratched from Rovers long nails and his 8 inch tongue which but a minute ago had been in his anal cavity is now swabbing your face.



  1. Retractable Leashes are really not leashes at all…..


You’ve seen these wonders of invention, a leash that allows the owner to release yards of line, letting Rover bound all over the place, fine if you’re in a meadow walking your dog, not so fine when the animal is now across the street and you can’t quickly enough reel him back in.  These versions of leashes ought to be outlawed in parks, they do nothing to keep others safe and allow lazy dog owners to let the dog run without them moving their fat asses trying to keep up.



  1. Wanderers


This is especially annoying in a park on a bike/walking path, where, again, you would think that everyone born here in AMERICA knows that normal traffic flows are on the RIGHT side of roads, paths, walkways and sidewalks, but without fail, some nimrod either walks right down the middle, which causes problems for everyone coming in both directions, or the complete moron that walks on the WRONG SIDE, and is then offended when you bring it to his attention.  KEEP TO THE RIGHT DICKWEED, HELLO???



  1. Group Walkers


I don’t know why, but almost every time I see this particular group, it is usually early in the season, (probably because they are pledging to do better this year in getting out, and then that pledge goes to hell and they don’t come back) and this group is almost universally obese as well as clueless.  Here is how it goes:  Usually in a park, on a walking/bike path, you come upon 5 to 10 of these people, walking side-by-side completely oblivious to others, looking up in the sky, mumbling, generally confused, and then completely frightened and startled when you come along and zing by on your bike.  As the Twinkies and donuts fly, a few even manage a few threatening words, right as if any of them could catch you……  Again, GROUP WALKERS, welcome to the park, but please, if you’re insisting on walking abreast of your fat friend, at least get one of those orange triangles and hang them off your ass so I can see you from a distance,  those grey sweat pants blend right in.



  1. Scolders


I love this group.  It usually is an older woman, sometimes and older man, but in both cases, they are doing something in violation of the park rules, (usually walking in the wrong direction or on the wrong side of the path) so when you come up on them while biking, they are startled and let you know it by yelling that you’re either, “going to fast”, or you’re “dangerous”, or something like that.  When I have stopped in the past and pointed out to these self-righteous morons that this would not have been a problem if they had been obeying the rules, universally they accept none of the responsibility and simply become more shrill and loud in their indignation.  These are the same people who spy on their neighbors, hate kids and call the police a few times a week, just to chat.



  1. Ear-Buds and Head Phones


By definition, this group is always under 30 and they may well be the most clueless of the bunch.  By shoving the ear buds in or donning the giant headphones, these assholes are telling the rest of the world to LEAVE ME ALONE.  God forbid they hear the sound of a bird singing, or the water rushing along the riverbank, or the nice HELLO from their fellow man, but no, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, I’M LISTENING TO MY MUSIC.  This group of self-absorbed dildos can all go fornicate themselves.  As if anything these morons are listening to could be as good as the great outdoors all around them, talk about missing the point.



  1. Cell Phone Talkers


Almost as big of dip-shits as the above group of the anti-social breed, this is always a single woman, walking along like she is on a mission, talking as fast as she can spit the words out.  Again, completely oblivious to her surroundings and clearing ignoring everything and everyone around her because what she has to say is just so freaking important it simply can’t wait!



  1. Texters


Finally, the KING of the morons.  These sub-human dolts are my personal favorites.  They are walking along, head down, drooling onto their phones, COMPLETELY DEVOID of all human emotion, have no idea where they are in space or time.  Fire up YouTube and watch a few of them walk into traffic; it’s so refreshing to see.



And so my friends, there you have it, the Morons Guide to outdoor enjoyment.  Have a great summer.


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