1. Don’t pound the bar to get the bartenders attention

Correspondingly, don’t shout, “Excuse me, or HELLO??, or raise your hand in the air like the retarded 3rd grader you were in your old alternative school.  If you used to be required to wear a helmet to school, you probably shouldn’t be drinking anyway.

 

2. Never ask, “What kinds of beer do you have?”

It’s a bar moron, what kind of beer do you want?  Ask for it by name fool.

 

3. Shouting conversations from one end of the bar to the other

Please, don’t have them.  Get off your fat ass and go sit next to the moron you’re shouting at.  This way I don’t have to hear your shrill, drunk voice.  Louder is not smarter..

 

4. Picking up women.

If you’re drunk, your breath smells like an elephant fart and your IQ SOBER is 75, please don’t bother the well dressed woman minding her own business at the end of the bar.  Stick with the toothless crack-whore waiting for you back at the trailer.

 

5. Over-use of profanity.

Look around.  If a family of 4 is eating hamburgers behind you, they probably don’t want to hear you go off with F*&k this and F*&k that, you Fu*&ing assho&e.  Remember, you’re not in the trailer park anymore.

 

6. Shouting at the TV

The TV only shows you pictures.  It can’t hear you.  The coach and players can’t hear you.  The reason you’re in a bar and drunk is because you can’t coach and you’re a moron when it comes to defensive strategy.

 

7. Debates about Team Affiliation

You like the Yankees.  I like the Mets.  That’s not the same as Hiel Hitler of Let’s go ISIS!  Who you like in the world of sports means nothing to anyone but you.  If you like all of your shirts to have other men’s names on your back, you roll with that buckwheat.

 

8. Handling your money responsibly

If your rent is 3 months overdue and you’re picking cigarettes out of the sand buckets, maybe you can’t afford to be out in a bar.  Maybe you should go to rehab.

 

9. Fighting

If your communication skills are so low that you need to fight, you need to stay home.  No one smart wants to risk hurting their fist or going to jail because you’re a moron.  You like jail, I don’t, get in your big truck and take your sad ass home.

 

10. Politics

No one cares who you think is the best candidate.  You probably can’t vote as a former felon, so why are you lecturing me?  By the way, your breath smells like an elephant fart.